Understanding why decisions feel  difficult & five things to consider when you feel stuck

Over the years, both personally and in my work as a therapist, I’ve sat across from many people who felt completely stuck in a decision. What many of them seemed to have in common was that, underneath it all, the decision was rarely just about the decision itself. More often, it was connected to fear, lack of self-trust, pressure, past experiences, or the need to feel certain before moving forward.

Most decision-making advice focuses on outcomes: make a pros and cons list, gather more information, think harder. While those things can sometimes be helpful, difficult decisions are often less about lacking information and more about feeling emotionally stuck.

Sometimes, what keeps people feeling stuck sounds like:

• trying to think your way out of a feeling
• making decisions based on who you used to be rather than who you are now
• confusing what you truly want with what you're afraid of losing
• worrying about disappointing others or being judged by your choices  
• searching for one perfect answer when, in reality, some decisions involve tradeoffs

What I’ve found is that decision making often feels less overwhelming when we slow down enough to better understand what’s happening underneath it. In many cases, the goal isn’t necessarily to find the “right” answer with complete certainty. It’s more about developing greater clarity around what’s driving the hesitation, understanding yourself more deeply in the process, and learning to trust yourself a little more as you move forward.  Here are five things to consider when decisions feel especially hard:

1. Look at what’s actually underneath the decision:  Most people describe difficult decisions through the lens of surface-level situations: the job, the relationship, the move, the practical choice in front of them. Sometimes the hesitation isn’t about the practical choice itself. Underneath the hard decisions is often a deeper tension usually between two things you value, or between what you want and what you fear. It’s about what the decision might mean about you, your future, your identity, or the version of yourself you may need to let go of.

You might ask yourself:

• What feels most at stake for me here?
• What am I most afraid could happen with each option?
• Is there something I’m afraid of losing beyond the situation itself?
• Is there a version of myself I'm afraid of becoming, or leaving behind?

Understanding what’s driving the fear can make it easier to approach the decision with greater clarity.

 2. Separate the emotion from the spiral:  You don’t have to eliminate emotions before making a decision. Emotions often carry important information, but not every emotional reaction is necessarily telling us the same thing. Sometimes what you’re feeling is about the present situation, and other times it may be connected to something older that the situation is bringing up. Both can feel very similar internally. Learning how to slow down and better understand what an emotion may actually be pointing to can make decisions feel a little clearer and less overwhelming over time.  In many ways, developing the ability to distinguish between the two is one of the most valuable skills you can build when making difficult decisions.

Ask yourself: 

• Does this feeling seem connected to the current situation, or does it feel tied to something you’ve experienced in the past?
• What am I afraid this decision might mean about me?
• If I strip away fear and obligation, what do I actually want?

Remember you don't have to eliminate the emotion to make a good decision. You just need to understand what it's pointing to.

3. Pay attention to your values: One thing I’ve noticed over the years is that decisions often feel the hardest when people feel disconnected from what truly matters to them - Values! 

Values are different from goals. Goals are things we accomplish. Values are the qualities that matter to us and the ways we want to move through the world. They often become an internal guide when things feel uncertain.  When we are attuned to them, values can light our way.

Even when a decision is difficult, there is often a different feeling that comes with choices that feel more aligned with your values. Not necessarily certainty or the absence of fear, but a quieter sense of internal alignment underneath it.

When we feel disconnected from our values or uncertain about what truly matters to us, decisions can easily become tangled in unhelpful thought patterns. “Should” thoughts, catastrophic thinking, fortune telling, fears about disappointing others, and other self-critical narratives can begin to drown out what we actually feel or need.

Some examples of how this might sound are:

• I “should” be further along by now.
• Other people seem to know exactly what they’re doing.
• If I make the wrong decision, everything could fall apart.
• What if I regret this forever?
• If I choose this path, it’s probably going to fail anyway.
• People will think I’m irresponsible, selfish, or making a mistake.

Such thoughts don’t always lead to clarity. In many cases, they can pull you further away from yourself and from what genuinely feels aligned. 

Sometimes it can be more helpful to slow down and ask different kinds of questions:

• What feels most aligned with the person I want to be?
• Does this decision genuinely feel aligned with what feels most important to me?
• If not, what might I be compromising or moving away from and why?

4. Notice what happens in your body: Sometimes the body notices what the mind is still trying to sort through. You may have experienced moments where something looked “right” logically, but internally felt heavy, tense, or off. Other times, a decision may still feel scary or uncertain, yet there’s also a quieter sense of relief, openness, or internal settling underneath it.

This doesn’t mean every physical reaction should determine your decisions, and it’s important not to interpret anxiety alone as a sign that something is wrong. But emotional experiences often show up in the body in subtle ways, especially when we’re caught in overthinking. This might look like tightness in the chest or shoulders, a sinking feeling in the stomach, difficulty relaxing, mental fog, sleep disturbance, or a general sense of internal pressure or constriction. Other times, there can be a quieter sense of steadiness, openness, relief, or calm when imagining one option over another which can sometimes signal a different kind of internal alignment.

One exercise that can help is imagining yourself having already made the decision and noticing your response without immediately trying to analyze or judge it, paying attention to what shifts internally & physically when you imagine choosing one option over the other.  

You might ask yourself:

• What do I notice in my body as I sit with each option?
• Does one option feel more tense, heavy, or activated, and the other more open or settled?
• What is this response asking me to pay attention to?

Sometimes slowing down enough to notice these reactions can help create a little more clarity when the mind feels pulled in too many directions.

5. Let go of the idea of the “perfect” decision: Many people approach decisions as though there is one perfect answer they’re supposed to figure out before they can move forward. Decisions, however, don’t work that way. More often, there are tradeoffs, uncertainty, and unknowns.  No amount of overthinking can fully eliminate that discomfort or create complete certainty ahead of time.

In many cases, the goal isn’t making a perfect decision. It’s about making a thoughtful one. One that is made with self-awareness and reflects your values, your needs, and the information you have available to you right now.

It can also help to remember that not every decision is permanent. Many choices can be revisited, adjusted, or learned from over time as things unfold. Waiting for complete certainty can sometimes keep you stuck far longer than the decision itself ever would.

You might ask yourself:

• What am I actually defining as a “perfect” decision in this situation?
• Where did I learn that this decision needs to be perfect in the first place?
• What would change if I allowed “good enough and aligned” to be the goal instead?

Final Thoughts: Decision making can feel incredibly overwhelming, especially when the choice carries emotional weight or touches something deeper underneath the surface. If you’ve been feeling stuck in a decision lately, it doesn’t necessarily mean you’re incapable of making it. More often, it simply means the decision matters to you in some way.

Rather than trying to force yourself into immediate clarity, it may be more helpful to slow down and get curious about what’s making the decision feel so difficult in the first place. If you’ve tried different ways of working through a decision and still feel emotionally stuck, connecting with a therapist can be a helpful way to unpack what’s underneath and move toward greater clarity and confidence in your next steps.

You don’t have to figure it out alone!   

This content is for informational & educational purposes only. If you are struggling with your mental health, consider reaching out to a licensed professional for support.